


i've got enough hope for both of us in this heart of mine

by majesdane



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-23
Updated: 2012-03-23
Packaged: 2017-11-08 01:48:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/437781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It all started with a kiss.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	i've got enough hope for both of us in this heart of mine

**Author's Note:**

> Completely Joss'd after S3.

  


falling for her had made me invisible.  
\-- _hotel world_ , ali smith

 

 

 

It all started with a kiss.

 

;;

 

At first Paige thought she had imagined it, but, no, Emily really _had_ just stood up and kissed Maya St. Germain, the girl who had recently moved into the house where the DiLaurentises had lived. Paige had heard rumors lately about Emily being gay, but she'd never actually considered the fact that it was _true_. It just didn't seem possible. And yet, here she was, kissing her -- what Paige supposed was her girlfriend -- for all the world to see.

They were in the cafeteria before homeroom; Paige was sitting a few tables away, pretending to be engrossed in her Chemistry book. She had a test in two periods, but she'd stayed up late all week studying for it and she knew it all cold, so that wasn't really the main thing on her mind right now. Instead, she was watching Emily over the top of her book. She'd been watching Emily a lot, lately, ever since she'd take a break from the swim team. Emily was at a table with the rest of Alison DiLaurentis's old friends, and when Maya had come over, guitar slung over her shoulder, Emily had stood up with a smile and kissed her.

Just like that.

It wasn't possible, Paige thought, for _anything_ to be so simple -- especially not something like _this_ , kissing another girl, on the mouth, in public. It was the sort of thing that happened in Lifetime movies where everyone learned a valuable lesson about accepting people for who they were, not something that actually happened in real life, not something that happened here in Rosewood. And yet, nothing changed. The world didn't stop turning. A few people turned and mumbled things to their friends, a few of the guys looked on a little too eagerly. But that was it; it was just a kiss and nothing else, simple as that. A kiss, and a laugh, and then Maya's hand was in Emily's.

Everything had always been so easy for Emily. Always. It didn't matter what it was: swimming, school, making friends. And now, apparently, being gay. Of course. Paige didn't know why she was surprised by any of this, but she was. Surprised _and_ jealous, if she was being honest with herself, which wasn't often.

Caroline Summers, who had been on the swim team and was best friends with Paige since eighth grade, nudged her. "Oh, hey, look." She nodded over at Emily. "So I guess it's true, then? About Emily being gay?"

Paige stared straight down at her book, pretending to study. "Yeah, maybe," she said, trying to sound as disinterested in possible. She chanced another look over at Emily, who was holding Maya's hand and laughing at something one of her friends had just said. "It certainly looks like it, doesn't it?"

"That's Maya St. Germain, right? The girl who moved into the old DiLaurentis house." Caroline nodded thoughtfully. "Do you think that's why she quit the team?"

"How should I know?" Paige rolled her eyes. She wished they could be talking about anything else in the world right now than Emily's love life. "I really don't care who Emily's dating. And anyway, I can't talk right now, I'm trying to study," she said, pointedly turning a page and randomly highlighting a few lines without even reading them. "I need to do well on this test."

"Like you're really going to fail," Caroline grumbled, but thankfully dropped the subject, turning away.

 

;;

 

Paige had known Emily for as long as she could remember.

Like practically every other kid who lived in Rosewood, they'd grown up going to Rosewood Day, the town's exclusive prep school. Despite going to school together, however, for the longest time Emily had remained only on the periphery of Paige's life.

"Hey," Emily said, sticking her hand out to Paige, who was toweling her hair dry. "I'm Emily. Emily Fields. You're Paige McCullers, right? I thought I recognized you; we had gym class together two years ago. It looks like we're going to be the only seventh graders on the swim team this year."

Paige draped her towel over her open gym locker door, shaking Emily's hand. "Hey," she said. "Nice to meet you."

"You did really well out there," Emily told her, nodding the direction of the pool. "I was impressed. How long have you been swimming for?"

"Not too long." Paige reached for her shirt, slowly doing up the buttons. "Just since last year. I took a couple of lessons over the summer though." She reached for her navy blue and silver striped tie, sitting on the bench, watching herself in the mirror in the back of her locker as she tied it. "You're really good yourself, though," she said. "Definitely better than me."

Emily shook her head. "I've still got a long way to go."

"Well, we've got plenty of time to get better, right?" Paige asked, just as the bell rang to signal the five minute warning before everyone had to be in homeroom. She pulled her messenger bag out of her locker, before slamming it closed and spinning the combination lock. "Well, I'll see you later, I guess. At practice."

"Sure," Emily said. "See you later."

 

;;

 

Her parents were pleased to hear she'd made the swim team, especially when she told them that she was only one of two seventh graders who'd made the cut. Paige knew they were still disappointed that she hadn't even been able to make the JV field hockey team, but she thought that maybe this would be a good enough achievement to make up for her previous failure.

"So, is Emily a good swimmer?" Paige's father asked, over dinner.

Paige nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, she's wicked good," she said. "You can definitely tell that she's been swimming for a long time -- during tryouts she put up some really fast times. She's better than some of the eighth graders, actually."

"She's a hard worker," Paige's father commented. "If you worked as hard as she did, you'd do just as well."

It made Paige feel uncomfortable, hearing her father talk like that. It wasn't so much what; but how. There was an edge to his voice that was more threatening than encouraging. She wanted to shrink into her seat until the conversation passed on to another topic, but instead she just pushed her peas from one side of her plate to another and said, "Yes, sir."

She didn't mind being competitive -- in fact, she was fairly certain that she couldn't _not_ be competitive, especially when it came things like sports -- and she liked it when she excelled at whatever it was she tried to do, but growing up, she'd always felt like her parents had expected more from her. They probably wished she could be more like Spencer Hastings, who was always at the top of their class. Though Spencer had also been put on the seventh grade field hockey team with her, so many others had not.

Maybe they wanted her be more like Alison DiLaurentis, who not only was pretty and popular and loved by basically everyone, but _also_ was the only seventh grader to make the cut for the _JV_ field hockey team. Alison was about as close to as someone could get to being perfect.

"I was thinking, you know," Paige told her parents later as they cleaned up after dinner. "About field hockey. If I work hard this year like I did with swimming over the summer, next year I could definitely make JV. At _least_ JV," she added after a minute, feeling a sudden surge of confidence.

Her father clapped a hand on her shoulder. "There's my girl," he said, and bent to kiss her on the forehead. "It's good to hear that you're serious about doing well."

"Yeah, of course," Paige said lightly, as she loaded their plates into the dishwasher. "Why wouldn't I be?"

 

;;

 

Afternoons were split between swim practices and homework. On weekends, she hung out with some friends from church. They weren't _really_ friends, considering half the time during the week while at school they all ignored each other. But they saw each other every Sunday, and Paige had gone over to a few of their houses for dinner with her family, so it was better than nothing. Better than spending time by herself, anyway.

Once in a while, however, she stayed at school late with Emily, to do some more laps after swim practice had ended; Paige liked these days best. She admired Emily's devotion to swimming, the way she was always pushing herself to get better. (Paige could hear her father's voice echoing in her ears, _if you worked as hard as her, you'd do just as well_.) They'd race each other for a little while, until one of them got tired; Paige liked the way they could just stay in a comfortable silence afterward, the only sound the splash of the water as they backstroked lazily up and down the length of the pool.

"You know, you're really good," Emily commented one day, when Paige had paused by the edge of the pool to catch her breath. Emily came up beside her, tugging her goggles up and off. "Fast. I think you have a good shot of becoming anchor in a year or two."

Paige raised an eyebrow, still breathing hard from their last race. "Really?"

Emily nodded. "Yeah, sure."

"I don't know," Paige said dubiously, treading water for a moment before hoisting herself up and out of the pool, pulling off her goggles and swim cap. "I mean, I'll just be happy once I get to swim regularly at meets." Despite making the team, they were still considered more practice players than anything else, though they'd each gotten a chance to compete in a few meets against easier teams.

Emily shrugged, climbing out of the pool. "Yeah, that's true," she agreed, grabbing her towel off the bleachers and wrapping it around her waist as Paige lead the way back to the now deserted locker room. The slap of their flip-flops against the wet, tiled floor echoed through the room. "But you _are_ good," she told Paige again, as they each grabbed another towel from the stack near the showers. "That's why I like when you stay after practice; it's a challenge, racing you. It makes me better."

"Oh." Paige smiled hesitantly. "Well, thanks."

Rosewood, thankfully, had single stall showers; a few schools they'd played against this season had had group ones, which had embarrassed Paige horribly, for reasons she couldn't quite explain. Most girls just showered with their bathing suits still on, changing in the bathroom stalls or between the rows of lockers, but some of the older ones had stripped down completely, nonplussed. Paige had kept her eyes trained on the floor, blushing when she'd caught glimpses of soft, smooth skin. She wondered if anyone else felt as self-conscious as she did.

As she soaped up her hair, she thought about what Emily had said -- did she really have a chance of getting the position of anchor? It always went to the best swimmer on the team; Paige couldn't imagine a future where she would be better than Emily, who would almost certainly be given the spot, once they were a bit older.

Still, the idea that Emily was that confident in Paige's abilities made her smile; she felt a swell of pride at impressing Emily. Pride and something else, too, but she couldn't quite name _that_ particular feeling. It made her feel . . . special. Important. Like she was worth something to someone.

"Oh, you're leaving?" Emily asked as Paige was finishing getting dressed, coming up to her and popping her locker open. She was fresh from the shower; little beads of water rolled down off her shoulders, arms, glistening in the light. Her skin with flushed a slight pink color from the heat of the shower.

Paige stared down at her hands, pretending to be interested in straightening out the clasp on her bag. "Yeah," she said lightly. "My dad's coming to pick me up, so."

Emily ran her fingers through her wet hair, combing it back. "Cool. See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah," Paige repeated with a nod. "See you tomorrow."

She ducked around the corner, slipping out into the hallway as Emily smiled and waved goodbye with a small flourish of her hand. It wasn't until she was halfway down the hall did Paige realize she'd been holding her breath; she released it with a sigh, her heart beating double-time in her chest.

"How was practice?" he father asked, a few minutes later, as she tossed her bag into the backseat before clicking her seatbelt on.

"Good," Paige told him, pressing her hands down the front of her skirt to smooth out the wrinkles, her heart still racing.

 

;;

 

She knew. Of _course_ she knew; she'd always felt different from other girls. She wasn't able to muster up the same enthusiasm as her friends when it came to boys, she didn't feel that spark, that _connection_ when Kevin Mayers, who was in eighth grade with her and played lacrosse, kissed her while they were at a party that Caroline had dragged Paige to. The kind of party that would get her grounded until she was twenty if her parents knew she was at it.

"Well," she said, after they'd pulled away. "That was . . . nice."

It was a lie, of course, and she excused herself a moment later to go find Caroline, hurrying back inside.

She didn't feel a thing for boys, not even a little. She didn't completely understand it, but she knew enough to know that it was wrong. She knew that she shouldn't feel warm all the way down to her toes when Stephanie Richards, a gorgeous tenth grader, smiled and handed her a beer, their fingers brushing together for the tiniest of moments. But she did. And she didn't know any way to _not_ feel those kind of things for girls. It was just something that had always been a part of her; she only started to notice it as she grew older, when suddenly the differences between her and regular girls began to become more and more noticeable.

"Oh, look," Caroline said, bumping her shoulder against Paige's as they leaned against the window sill, sipping their drinks. Paige hated the taste of beer, but everyone else drank it, so she felt inclined to drink it too. "Emily's here."

Paige followed Caroline's gaze across the room, spotting Emily standing over by the fireplace. Next to her was Alison who, as usual, was flirting with a handful of boys. Probably bragging about some awesome play that she'd done in Saturday's field hockey game against St. Agnes.

"You guys are friends, aren't you?"

"Sort of. I guess." Paige watched as Ben came around the corner from the kitchen, a beer bottle in each hand, giving one to Emily before bending down to kiss her. The kiss seemed to last just a little too long; it made Paige feel strange inside, watching them. Like her insides had gotten all twisted up. "I don't really know her that well."

As Emily pulled away from the kiss, she caught Paige's eye. Paige smiled back tentatively, feeling herself blush. She thought maybe she could go over to where Emily was, maybe ask her about swimming or see if she'd finished the homework for French class or something completely ordinary like that. They could start talking and maybe still be talking by the end of the night, as Emily slowly pulled away from Ben and Alison and everyone else, until she was alone with Paige. And then, maybe --

No. It would never happen. Emily was straight, end of discussion. And anyway, what could they really talk about? Paige was terrible at conversation; she didn't think her skills would be any more improved talking to Emily, who she had felt awkward and nervous around every since her crush had blossomed. She watched Ben loop his arm around Emily's shoulders, as they laughed at something Sean Ackard was saying.

Caroline tapped her beer bottle idly against her thigh. "Are you okay?" she asked Paige. "You look sick."

"I'm fine." She tore her gaze away from Emily, setting her own bottle down on the window sill. "Just tired, I guess." She pushed herself away from the wall, stretching. "I think I'm gonna head home, anyway. I've got an essay that needs to be done by Monday and I haven't even finished reading the chapter it's supposed to be on."

Caroline gave her a sour look. "Oh, come on," she said, reaching for Paige and half-heartedly pulling her back. "We only just got here. Stay."

"Caroline."

"You're no fun," Caroline pouted, tipping her head back and finishing what was left of her beer. "We need to find you a boyfriend or something," she told Paige, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand. "That way you'll learn how to loosen up a little." She grinned suggestively at Paige. "Right?"

"Maybe later," Paige said, pulling away from Caroline. "When I don't have a ton of other things to do."

It was a lazy excuse, and they both knew it.

Thankfully, though, Caroline let her go.

 

;;

 

(She knew. She was one of _those_ girls.)

(But she didn't want to know. Not at all. And she hated herself, because of it.)

 

;;

 

It wasn't very often, but every now and then, Paige felt a little glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, Emily might feel the same way about girls as she did. She saw the way Emily looked at Alison, after all, and the way Alison smiled at Emily knowingly and let her fingers linger a little too long when she touched Emily's wrist. She saw the way Emily blushed, the way she always trailed Alison with a mix of hope and adoration in her eyes.

Paige wondered if anyone else noticed; she'd always chide herself later for getting her hopes up, telling herself that she was just projecting her own feelings into Emily. That she was looking far too much into things. Emily and Alison were just friends. And Emily was _straight_ \-- after all, hadn't Paige had just overheard two of the girls on their swim team talking about how Emily and Ben had hooked up a couple of weekends ago?

There was no way Emily could like girls. Of _course_ she was enamored with Alison -- who wasn't? Paige had seen Alison at her most charming, when she was trying to persuade someone else into doing something for her. Paige shared her history class with Alison and Noel, and Alison was always batting her eyes at him and touching his arm and flashing him that smile that said _I know you want me_ , her voice like honey. Paige herself had had more than a few daydreams of Alison saying needful things to her in that voice.

Even though she could tear someone to shreds with just a look or a word, everyone at Rosewood was a little in love with her. Emily was no different from everyone else at their school, no different from the other girls in Alison's clique who followed her everywhere. No, Emily was not like Paige. Not even a little. It was stupid to think otherwise.

(Still . . . )

"Did you really sleep with Ben?" Paige blurted out, as they sat on the edge of the pool with their feet in the water, waiting for practice to start. Off Emily's furious blush, she added quickly, "N-Not like it's any of my business of anything. I was just, you know. Curious. I heard some people talking and -- sorry."

Emily looked away, swinging her legs gently back and forth. "It's okay. Truthfully . . . " she trailed off, looking embarrassed. Paige watched her glance around the room to see if they were still alone; they were. "Truthfully," Emily said, dropping her voice to just above a whisper, "no, we didn't sleep together."

Paige was surprised that Emily was confiding in her about something so personal. She didn't really know Emily that well, considering the only times they ever hung out was during swimming. She bit her lip. "So you're saying Ben made it up?" she asked quietly, after a long minute.

"Yeah." Emily nodded, blushing faintly.

"But," Paige started with a frown, confused. "But, don't you care about what other people think about you? If it were me . . . "

Emily shrugged. "People are going to think what they want to think," she told Paige, looking up as people started to come into the pool area, laughing and talking amongst themselves. Ben came out of the boy's locker room; catching their eye across the room and smiled, waving. "It's going to happen at some point, anyway," Emily went on, pushing herself up onto her feet and offering Paige a hand. "People will talk regardless, so I figure I might as well let them talk now."

Paige didn't quite understand that, but she nodded like she did. She followed Emily over to where the other girls were milling around Coach Fulton, lagging behind a little. Paige couldn't imagine what it would be like to not be afraid of what other people in the school would think of her; she'd always tried so hard to blend in with the rest of the student body, terrified of being singled out.

Emily was so much braver than she was.

 

;;

 

Things changed when Alison went missing.

Emily threw herself into swimming, spending longer and longer evenings at the pool. Paige watched as Alison's once tight-knit group of friends slowly began to unravel, as the girls pulled away from each other. It made Paige want to do something, to reach out to Emily, but instead she shied away from Emily, spending less and less time with her as the days, and then soon, months, wore on. She felt awkward now, around Emily; she didn't know what to say and suddenly, for some reason, her little crush felt horribly inappropriate.

Once, she said something about it to Emily: "I'm sorry, you know. About Alison."

Emily just shook her head, pulling on a navy blue polo shirt and combing her fingers through her hair. "She'll be back," she told Paige, sounding confident. "I know she will be. She probably just got tired of school and decided she needed a vacation or whatever and ran away somewhere. Like France," she added softly, with a smile, though it seemed to be more of a remark to herself. She smiled at Paige. "It'll be okay," she said.

And that was that.

But behind her words, Paige could hear sadness. Emily's calm, reassuring smile had seem forced -- her confident words just a front. Something twisted inside Paige, realizing that. Things wouldn't be okay. Not ever again.

 

;;

 

(They didn't talk much, after that.)

(By fall of junior year, it was like they were strangers all over again.)

 

;;

 

She didn't want to be gay. She _couldn't_ be gay -- she couldn't be _that_ kind of person. She'd spent her whole life trying her best to be the person her parents wanted her to be, and up until now, she'd succeeded. She'd always just assumed that one day her feelings for girls would just go away, that she'd start being interested in boys the way all of her friends were. But that day had never come, despite the fact that every night she'd prayed that the next morning she'd wake up and just be normal. Paige had tried so hard to change, but now, seeing Emily and Maya together, something twisted inside her, and she knew, with a sinking feeling, that there was no use in denying the truth about herself any longer.

She _was_ gay though, and to make matters worse, she was _also_ half in love with Emily Fields. Emily, the star of Rosewood's swim team, something Paige had both admired and envied her for. Emily, who Paige had told herself over and over again so many times was straight. Emily, who now was not only openly gay, but had a girlfriend too. Maya.

Not like Paige had any right to be upset about it. After all, she told herself, it wasn't like she and Emily were close -- they were barely even _friends_ \-- they were teammates and that was where their connection stopped. They had shared a few small moments here and there, yes, but that didn't mean anything. Even at the time, Paige had never thought anything of those moments; it was only now, after the fact, where Paige found herself recalling them once more.

Still.

She _was_ upset about it; she could feel a wave of jealousy wash over her every time she spotted Emily and Maya together. Even the most innocuous things, like a smile shared in front of Emily's locker or Maya's touching Emily's shoulder as they parted ways, was enough to make Paige's throat close up.

The only saving grace was that Emily had taken some time off from swimming, apparently, something Paige was extremely grateful for.

With Emily not around -- as both a distraction and competition -- and with field hockey season now over, Paige was able to focus all of her energy on swimming. Ever since September, when Paige's father had commented on how Emily was most likely to be named captain, Paige had become determined to win the title for herself. It was a desire mostly born from wanting to show up her dad; she hadn't actually considered that she might have a shot of reaching her goal, until Emily had left the team.

But even so, no matter how hard she worked, no matter what she did, she still didn't seem to be able to fill the hole Emily had created in her absence. Her times were always still just a breath away from Emily's perfect, state-record setting ones. Her movements in the water were not as polished, not as focused; she felt, miserably, and quite often, like she would always only be second-best, no matter what she did. Even without Emily around, Paige knew she would never _really_ be the best.

It was, simply, this: she was jealous of Emily.

Perfect Emily, with her unbeatable times and unblemished record. Emily, who moved through life as if everything had been made _just_ to suit her -- even being gay wasn't enough to tarnish Emily's reputation in Rosewood; she remained as popular as ever, even if she was still shy, content to hang back and stay behind in the shadows of her friends. Nothing ever seemed to go poorly for her, not really.

(There was Alison, of course, but -- )

She resented Emily, yes. She was still half in love with her (that hadn't changed either), but resentment bloomed inside her heart, side-by-side with love. She wanted Emily's life, she wanted things to be easy. She wanted to be able to hold Emily's hand in the hallway, wanted to be able to kiss Emily goodbye as they parted for class. She wanted to lay with her head in Emily's lap, to feel those slender fingers stroking through her hair, brushing her bangs back away from her forehead. Once for all; she wanted _Emily_.

But that, of course, would never happen.

 

;;

 

"So, what do you think about it?" Paige asked Caroline one morning, after practice. They'd just come from the showers and were getting dressed before homeroom, their school uniforms laid out across the bench in front of their lockers.

Caroline, toweling her hair dry, asked, "About what?"

"About Emily being, you know . . . gay." She'd been thinking about how to bring this subject up every since they'd seen Emily kissing Maya in the cafeteria a few days earlier. Caroline hadn't said anything about it, though Paige wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing.

"Oh. I don't know." Caroline shrugged. "It's cool, I guess. I mean, it's not really like, a _surprise_ , you know?"

"Wait, what? Did you already -- I would have never thought."

"Well, I guess you just have really awful gaydar then," Caroline said with a laugh, elbowing Paige playfully. "Honestly, come on, you must have seen the way she used to follow Alison DiLaurentis around like a lost little puppy. And you know, she was _totally_ crushing on Sara LaBelle in eighth grade -- remember, the tall, blond senior who was anchor for half the season? God, it was so obvious."

Paige bit her lip, keeping her eyes trained on the inside of her locker, buttoning up her blouse and pretending to be fixing her collar in the mirror. "I just never really noticed all of that," she said in a quiet voice. "And she was dating Ben for so long, I guess I just. I don't know. But, um, I think it's kind of weird," she went on, in a louder voice, shutting her locker and pulling on her school blazer. "Having a lesbian on the team. It's gross."

It felt so strange, saying something like that. It was a lie, of course, an awful lie, and it made her feel horrible even as she said it, but she couldn't help herself. She'd spent so long pretending to be someone that she wasn't, that now she was afraid that even the slightest thing would give her away.

Caroline eyed her. "I'm surprised you have a problem with it."

"Why?" Paige tried to keep her tone nonchalant, even as her heart skipped a beat.

"Just, I thought you guys were friends." Caroline explained, blotting her lipstick. She balled the tissue up in her hand, before tossing it in the trash behind Paige.

"Were."

"Fine, then, _were_." Caroline rolled her eyes, tugging on her own blazer, just as the bell rang, a five minute warning before homeroom. "Either way," she told Paige, grabbing her messenger bag off the bench and slinging it over her shoulder, brushing her bangs out of her eyes, "you'd better not let Coach hear you saying anything about Emily. She'd probably kick you off the team."

Wouldn't _that_ be something; Paige had to bite back a laugh at the irony of it all. Coach had announced at the end of practice that Emily was going to be rejoining the team, which had put Paige on edge, for reasons she wasn't entirely sure of.

Well, Emily was _good_ , for one thing. Paige had worked so hard to become the best on the team and win the coveted spot of anchor. She had her sights set on getting named captain, too, and until now she'd been fairly confident that she had it in the bag. But Emily was a much better swimmer than she was, and she was well-liked too. Paige could only imagine Emily coming in and grabbing both the positions of anchor and captain, and then where would Paige be? All her hard work would be for nothing.

It didn't help, either, that she could already hear her father's voice in her ear: _Well, if only you worked a little harder_. He'd shake his head and sigh in that way that meant he was disappointed in her. Her mother would purse her lips and say nothing.

There was another issue, too.

Paige didn't have any idea what she was going to do about _that_.

 

;;

 

Emily showed up later that day for afternoon practice.

Just like that, like she'd never left. She'd smiled and laughed with the other girls as she'd gotten undressed, tugging on her suit and swim cap, goggles hanging loosely around her neck. She'd stretched by the side of the pool before warm ups with the rest of them, nodding along as their coach had relayed them information about their upcoming meet.

And she'd nearly beaten Paige during the mock race at practice, her first afternoon back. Paige had to struggle to catch up, pushing herself so that she managed to touch the wall at the same time as Emily. She felt a twinge of jealousy at how easy it was for Emily to slip right into things again, but at the same time, she was pleased as well. It had been a while since she'd been challenged like this.

She let out a gasping laugh as she sprang up from the water, pushing herself out of the pool and pulling off her goggles and swim cap. "Nice job," Paige panted, grabbing a towel. She ran a hand through her wet hair, pushing it back from her face. "So does this mean you're back for good?"

Emily nodded, wrapping her towel around herself and twisting her hair to wring the water out of it. "Yeah. I was distracted for a little while. But I'm back now."

 _Maya_ , Paige thought. She'd heard a few rumors that Maya had been sent away by her parents, though she didn't know the details. "Well, good," she said, beaming at Emily as she pulled her own towel around herself. "We need someone we can count on for the playoffs."

Emily smiled back; it was a shy, uncertain kind of smile. A few damp strands of dark of hair falling in her eyes, and Paige felt warm all the way down to her toes. Despite herself, she could feel her feelings for Emily once more bubbling up inside her with renewed hope. Thankfully, she spotted Caroline climbing out of the pool and heading towards the locker room; she nodded once at Emily and moved past her, following Caroline into the locker room. It wasn't until she was several feet away that she realized she'd been holding her breath. She let it out with a sigh, loosening her death grin on her towel.

"Nice one, McCullers," she muttered to herself as she made her way to the showers. Could she be any more transparent? It was bad enough Emily was back on the team, the least Paige could do was try not to act like a idiot around her.

"So it looks like Emily's back to reclaim her starring role, huh?" Caroline asked, as she worked a handful of conditioner through her hair.

Paige eyed her, reaching for their shared bottle of Bath and Bodyworks shampoo; it smelled like cinnamon and reminded her of autumn. "What are you talking about?"

"Captain, duh," Caroline said, rolling her eyes.

"Emily doesn't want to be captain."

"Yeah, how do you know?" Caroline tilted her head back, rising out her hair. "Why else do you think Emily came back now? It's not like she really has to try for it anyway -- she's like, the best swimmer on the team. Aside from you, of course," she added with a small laugh, wiping the water out of her eyes. "And Coach totally loves her. Don't you think?"

Paige frowned. "I don't know," she said uncertainly.

Caroline gave her a look. "Okay, that's weird. You don't even sound that worried about it. I thought your dad was like, all over you to be named as captain this year?"

Of course he was. He was more anxious about it than Paige was it seemed like. Over the summer and well into the start of preseason in the fall, he'd kept on her about it. Had she stayed late to practice turns? Did the coach notice that her times had improved by a few crucial seconds since last spring? Was she making certain to set an example for the rest of her teammates? As if Paige somehow needed to be reminded at every turn of what she was supposed to be. That anything else would be a failure on her part.

"Do you think I should say something?" Paige asked, dropping her voice a little, glancing about to make sure Emily wasn't just about to come into the showers. "I mean, she's probably not even trying for captain, right? And it's not like -- well, she hasn't _been_ here since the first weeks of fall practice." Paige paused, biting her lip. "It's just, even if she wanted to be captain, she couldn't get it. Right? Coach wouldn't let that happen. Would she?"

Caroline shrugged, brushing her wet bangs off to one side of her face and turning off her shower. "I don't know. I was just saying." She eyed Paige. "You're totally going to freak out about it now, aren't you?"

 

;;

 

There was something almost disconcerting about sitting on the sidelines and watching your own team play. The last time she'd had to sit out a swim meet was three years ago, freshman year, when she'd come down with a terrible case of the flu. It'd been hard to sit out then, but at least she had an excuse. This time, not so much. Had it been any other time but now, she'd have shrugged off any injuries -- especially ones as minor as these -- and been ready and willing to swim her heart out.

It wasn't her injuries holding her back now, she knew. She still felt guilty about how she'd treated Emily, even after apologizing the night before. And Emily hadn't hated her, after all that had happened; it threw Paige for a loop. It was what had distracted her when she was pedaling home furiously in the rain, leading her to skid of a patch of wet road, hit the curb, and go tumbling over the handlebars.

She was lucky she hadn't gotten hurt worse. Or maybe unlucky, all things considered.

She didn't know how she was going to tell her parents that she'd been passed over for the position of anchor now that Emily was back. That had been a point of pride for them -- it wasn't enough for her to just be captain. She had to be the best at _everything_. And there in lay the problem. Because after what had happened last night, Paige had realized she didn't really want to be anchor any longer. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to be captain. None of it seemed worthwhile any more, not if it turned her into the awful person she'd been to Emily.

Paige was startled out of her thoughts by the sound of the crowd roaring to life, as the last two swimmer from both teams readied themselves to dive into the water. And then Emily was off, soaring through the air for a brief second, going underwater and coming up kicking furiously, flying through the water. Emily had always been fast, but now, from the stands, she seemed faster than ever before. Emily and her opponent were neck-and-neck as they hit the far side of the pool, turning and pushing off the wall for extra momentum. Paige willed Emily to swim just a little bit faster --

And then it was over, Emily's fingers hitting the wall first, just a few seconds ahead of her opponent.

The audience jumped to its feet, erupting into cheers. Paige couldn't help but grin ridiculously, clapping as she watched Emily triumphantly climb out of the pool, grabbing a towel from one of her teammates. Emily wiped off her face and then turned to look over at the stands, smiling brightly.

As Emily scanned the crowd, their eyes met. And for a briefest of moments, it seemed as though everything was quiet, the roar of the crowd falling silent. Paige didn't see the other girls standing by the pool, only Emily.

 

;;

 

She waited until the crowd had moved out to the hallway just outside the double doors leading into the pool area, the noise slowly fading in the distance, before walking over the the edge of the pool. She stared down at her reflection in the water for a few moments, then kicked off her flip-flops, rolled up the legs on her tracksuit pants, and sat down, putting her feet in the water.

She'd missed it, the feel of the water against her skin as she tore through the water, the way her lungs burned for air, the way her muscles ached afterward, the sense of accomplishment that came with beating a difficult opponent. But she missed even more the person she used to be -- the girl who wasn't jealous if someone beat her best times, who liked swimming just for the sake of swimming. The kind of girl who would never, ever, hurt the person she loved.

Sighing, she turned as she heard someone walking over.

"Hey," Emily said softly. "You okay? Coach said you got hurt."

Paige opened her mouth to say that yeah, she was fine. It was no big deal.

But then, suddenly, everything just came tumbling out: how she'd actually been relieved when she'd wiped out biking home from Emily's the night before. How, somewhere along the way, swimming had gone from one of the things she loved the most to something she just wanted to be done with for good. She stared down at the pool, kicking her feet slightly in the water.

Behind her, Emily said, "Yeah. I felt like that too, once."

"Obviously you got over it." Paige twisted around to look up at her. "How did you get over it?"

Emily shrugged. "I stopped caring about trying to better than everyone else and just . . . relaxed."

Only Emily could make something so complicated seem so simple. She didn't get how easy her life was, compared to other people. She didn't know what it was like to wake up every day and have to be perfect. To have to work so hard for everything in your life only to fall short time and time again.

Paige sighed and stood up, shoving her hands into her pocket. What could she say to something like that? She didn't know how to relax. She didn't know how to stop caring. "I'll see you tomorrow then, I guess," she mumbled stepping around Emily, the slap of her flip-flops on the tiled floor echoing off the walls.

"Hey," Emily said. Paige paused, turning. "When's the last time you swam for fun?" Emily asked, flashing her a smile that made Paige feel warm all the way down to her toes. The last time Paige had swam for fun -- _really_ for fun, not feeling like she had to impress someone -- was before Alison had disappeared. When she and Emily did extra laps after practice.

Paige grinned. "Well, it _has_ been a while," she said.

 

;;

 

She hadn't wanted to tell her father that Emily had gotten the anchor position, but when he asked, she'd had no choice but to tell him the truth. Or, well, most of it: that they'd tied, but Emily had gotten the spot. Which was essentially what had happened anyway, but it wasn't a good enough explanation for her father. When he'd asked Paige _why_ Coach hadn't picked her, Paige hadn't been able to give him an answer.

"Well, there has to be _some_ reason why she chose Emily over you," her father said at the dinner table, pointedly stabbing a piece of chicken with his fork. "It was probably because you've been slacking off."

"I haven't been slacking off," Paige mumbled into her plate. She couldn't meet her father's eyes; she was afraid he'd see that she wasn't being entirely truthful with him. "I guess maybe she just thought Emily was the better swimmer."

Her father made a _hmph_ sound that meant he didn't believe her at all, but said nothing.

Paige hoped desperately that that would be the end of it.

 

;;

 

It was a stupid idea.

But she couldn't just let Emily leave without saying something to her, even if it was just something stupid like, _Oh, hey, sorry about my dad being massive homophobe and causing not one, but two scenes at school._ Though she was fairly certain Emily wanted nothing to do with her now, if her blow-off in the hallway after second period and her icy tone in the locker room pre-match had meant anything.

"Look," she said quickly, off the confused and slightly annoyed expression on Emily's face. "My dad is always looking for someone to blame."

Emily eyed her. "I have to go," she said slowly, like Paige was being an idiot. "My mom's waiting for me."

Emily just didn't get it.

So Paige kissed her.

Emily didn't kiss her back. But she didn't pull away either.

And then reality kicked back in. Paige moved back, breathless, her heart pounding so hard that it felt like it was going to burst from her chest. They stared at each other for one long, long moment. "Don't tell," Paige said quietly, desperately, already fumbling for the door handle and slipping out into the night, before Emily had a chance to say anything in response.

(Paige was afraid of what she might say.)

 

;;

 

It wasn't until later, at home, in bed, when the full realization of what she'd done actually hit her: she'd kissed Emily Fields.

And it wasn't just _any_ kiss either -- it wasn't a drunken one at a party where they got a little too close and Paige got a little too honest and the alcohol made Paige do stupid things. It wasn't something that could just dismiss as a mistake, something spur of the moment that had no real feeling in it. No, this had been an entirely sober, and entirely _intentional_ kiss. It was too late now, to try and deny things; she'd only make herself look like more of an idiot if she tried.

There was no way she'd be able to face Emily on Monday.

But it wasn't like Paige would be able to avoid her forever; even if they didn't have the same lunch period or were in trigonometry class together, even if they weren't both on the swim team, Rosewood was still a small school. It was impossible to avoid running into someone for long -- as Paige had learned after her somewhat disastrous hook-up with Kevin Mayers, in seventh grade.

She had no idea what she was going to say to Emily, when she finally would be forced to acknowledge what had happened on Friday evening. What _could_ she say, really? Even if she _were_ to come clean about everything, it wasn't like there was an actual chance that Emily would reciprocate her feelings. And why would she, after the way Paige had treated her? The only thing Paige could hope for was for them to go back to being the sort-of-friends that they'd been prior to Alison's disappearance.

(It wouldn't be _much_ , but it'd be something.)

"Are you okay?" Caroline asked over the phone that Sunday evening. She'd called while Paige was watching an Eagles game with her parents; Paige had been lucky for the chance to excuse herself, as even her parents had noticed that she'd been quieter than usual, despite Paige's attempts to seem interested in the game.

"Yeah, of course," Paige told her, leaning against the door frame of her bedroom, cradling the phone between her ear and her shoulder. She picked absentmindedly at the two day old rose-colored polish on her nails. "Why?"

"I don't know. You seem . . . distracted." She paused, and Paige could hear the faint sound of her channel surfing in the background. "I thought we were going to hang out this weekend, but then you never called."

"Sorry. I wasn't feeling all that well," Paige told her, deciding that it wasn't a complete lie. "I'm better now, but I was just really tired and stressed out. After what happened after the meet on Friday -- "

Caroline made a sound of agreement, cutting her off. "Yeah, sorry, I forgot about that. Was your dad like, really pissed later? Mrs. Fields like, totally called him out. No offense," she added after a moment.

Paige hadn't come home until much later that evening. After her unexpected kiss with Emily, she'd been afraid to go home, thinking that maybe her parents would take one look at her and know what she'd been up to. It was a completely ridiculous idea, of course, but instead of going home, she'd camped out at the Apple Grill across town until closing time, doing homework. Her parents had been asleep by the time she'd arrived home; neither of them brought up the incident with Emily's mom all weekend, and Paige certainly hadn't asked.

"I guess he's okay," she said, after a minute. "He hasn't really said anything about it."

Her father had been weirdly quiet about the whole thing; it was both a relief and a little unnerving. He wasn't exactly the type to sit and fume silently, but he hadn't even brought up the whole confrontation with Mrs. Fields. Then again, her father _had_ been called out in front of the swim team and their parents, plus a good quarter of the student population, so maybe he was just embarrassed enough to want to pretend like it never happened.

Or he just hadn't thought of a way to twist the incident into a way that made him look like the good guy, which was probably more on the mark.

 

;;

 

Paige managed to avoid Emily for exactly two days, before they ran into each other again in the locker room. Of course, Paige thought, steadying herself while she opened her locker, carefully avoiding Emily's gaze. It wasn't like they were never going to see each other again. Unfortunately.

"I left you a couple of messages," Emily said, sweet and uncertain, not even a little accusing.

"Yeah," Paige said, more to her bag than to Emily. She hadn't even been able to bring herself to listen to them, afraid of what Emily might say; she'd punched the delete button as soon as they'd come up. As if deleting them would suddenly erase everything that had happened.

(No such luck.)

She lied and said she was away visiting her aunt, when Emily asked if Paige was trying to avoid her. Paige had always been an awful liar; she cringed even as she said the words. If Emily picked up on it, she didn't say so -- but she _did_ bring up the kiss. In _public_ of all places. And suddenly it felt like everyone in the room was watching them, listening in on their conversation.

Paige just could _not_ do this.

"So you want me to act like it never happened?" Emily asked, frowning. It _almost_ sounded like there was a hint of disappointment in her voice, and for a second, Paige wanted to grab her and tell her that no, she didn't want Emily to forget the kiss. Not even a little.

But she couldn't say that, so instead she just swallowed and nodded and said, "Yes. Please."

(She was _such_ a coward.)

 

;;

 

She really hadn't expected Emily to show up.

She'd been hoping, yes, but there had been a very big part of her that was certain Emily wasn't going to bother. And why should she have, really? It wasn't as if Paige had exactly been the nicest person to her. Except, she'd seemed almost disappointed when Emily had denied the kiss earlier that morning in the locker room, and so Paige had gathered up her courage to ask Emily out on a date. If scribbling an address and stuffing it into her locker between third and fourth period counted as asking someone on a date, anyway.

But Emily _did_ show up, albeit a few minutes late, and it made Paige feel a tiny bit better noticing that Emily seemed to have put in a little extra effort in getting dressed up for the evening. Paige watched Emily for a moment, her eyes scanning around the restaurant, before managing a tiny wave in her direction. Emily's mouth turned up into something of a smile as their eyes met; it didn't do a thing to slow Paige's racing heart. "Hi," she said, as she slid into the booth across from Paige.

"Hey." Paige toyed nervously with the edge of her napkin. She'd told her parents she was going to the library to study for a History test; she didn't like lying to her parents, but she knew there was no way her father would be okay with her spending time alone with Emily. Not after what had happened last week after the swim meet. "Sorry," she said, as Emily glanced around with a bemused expression on her face. Country music jangled from the speakers. "I found this place online. I didn't expect it to be so -- "

"Rustic?" Emily suggested.

"Right." Paige licked her lips. "I was just looking for some place -- "

"Remote."

Paige grinned nervously. "You going to finish all of my sentences?"

Emily seemed to catch herself. "Sorry," she said, and they both seemed to relax a little at that. And then they started talking; it seemed so strange, talking about girls and being gay. This was the first time Paige had ever gotten a chance to talk about all of the things she'd been hiding for so long. She confessed to Emily about how she'd finally admitted to herself that she was gay after seeing Emily with Maya in the cafeteria. They laughed over Emily's preference in "ballsy women," as Paige grinningly put it.

She'd never imagined that things could be like this. Easy. For once, Paige didn't feel like she had to try so hard. There was no one to compete with here, no one who was going to judge her for who she was. It was just them, her and Emily. Emily, who had every reason in the world to hate her, but didn't. Emily, who Paige had been half in love with since they'd first made the swim team together. It all seemed so long ago now. She'd have never expected them to end up where they were -- she told Emily as much.

"We've all changed a lot since then," Emily agreed, as their waitress put Emily's drink down in front of her. "Mostly for the better, though. I think."

"Definitely for the better," Paige said, and actually believed it was true.

"I'm glad that things worked out," Emily said, unwrapping her straw and taking a sip of Coke. "You know, between us. We've known each other for so long, after all." She laughed. "Remember all of the nights we used to race each other, after practice was over and everyone else had left?"

Of course Paige did. "When we went swimming the other day, after the meet, it felt like those times all over again. It reminded me of how fun swimming can actually be. And you know," she said slowly, running her finger along the rim of her glass. "I was thinking, you really should be anchor. You deserve that spot."

Emily flushed a little at that. "Thanks. And you deserve to be captain," she told Paige, after a minute, with a firm nod. "I mean, there's no one on the team who's more dedicated than you are. I know how hard you worked and how much time you've spent trying to get better and better. You'd make a great captain. Really."

Paige grinned, ducking her head. "Yeah, okay, sure." She aimed a playful kick at Emily's shins under the table. "That's us: the anchor and the captain. Fields and McCullers."

"We make a good team."

"Yeah, we do, don't we?"

 

;;

 

"I can't believe you made me sing!" Emily exclaimed as they slid back down into the seats at their table, but she didn't seem particularly upset about it. Mostly just amused -- probably a little embarrassed too, now that the moment had passed. "I'm never, ever going to do that again."

"Aw. It was fun!"

Emily grinned. "But I sounded terrible."

"You weren't terrible," Paige told her, returning her grin. She felt giddy with excitement, heart still racing from being in front of the crowd. "At least, not to me."

"You're sweet," Emily said, a slight blush coloring her cheeks. "But you don't need to lie."

"Oh, _well_ then," Paige laughed, feigning a kick at Emily's legs under the table. "I won't: you were terrible. Simply awful, really, I don't know what I was thinking, asking you to do it."

"See, that's a lot more believable," Emily agreed, stirring her soda with her straw.

Paige smiled, sipping at her own drink, staring at the little beads of perspiration running down the sides of Emily's glass. The evening was going surprisingly well, all things considered, and her pre-date (could it even be considered a date?; it felt like one, sort of) jitters had thankfully evaporated. For the most part, anyway.

"You know," she started, after a minute. "There's something I've been meaning to say."

Emily looked up, raising an eyebrow questioningly.

"It's just . . . " Paige hesitated, uncertain of how to say it. "I was a terrible person to you, wasn't I?" She held up a hand, as Emily opened her mouth to speak. "No, you don't need to answer. I _was_ terrible. And you didn't deserve any of that. What I said, what I did . . . I was wrong. So, _so_ wrong, and I wish I could just take it all back now."

Emily reached across the table, putting her hand on top of Paige's. "You don't need to keep apologizing for it," she told Paige, smiling gently. "I already forgave you, remember?"

"Yeah," Paige said, feeling the tiny prick of tears in her eyes. Her skin tingled from having Emily's hand on her own. "But I still feel bad about it. And I don't get why you'd want to forgive me. I-I don't even know why you wanted to come here tonight, actually," she admitted, staring at the wet ring her glass had left on the table.

"The thing is, Paige," Emily said, "I didn't exactly deal with being gay so well myself, either. I was so scared of coming out. And I treated Maya like -- well, like crap." She flushed a little; Paige felt the sudden urge to lean forward and kiss the bright pink color from her cheeks. "But she forgave me, because she understood what I was going through. And I think it would be hypocritical for me not to forgive you for the same reasons."

Paige twisted her hand underneath Emily's own, giving it a squeeze. "You're kind of special, Emily Fields."

Emily laughed. "Well, the same to you, Paige McCullers," she said, and let her hand linger on top of Paige's for a little while longer.

 

;;

 

As they made their way out the door, Paige could feel her heart was beating double-time in her chest. She wasn't sure if she should try and hold Emily's hand or not -- she wasn't very good at this whole dating thing at _all_ \-- so instead she shoved her own hands deep inside her pockets. Emily seemed to be walking very close to her, because from time to time their shoulders bumped against her each other; it only served to make Paige's heart beat faster.

"So, I guess I'll see you later?" she asked hesitantly, when they arrived at Emily's car.

"Of course." Emily smiled at her.

There was a long, unbearable moment when they looked at each other, and Paige felt a blush rise to her cheeks. She was certain that Emily could hear her heart pounding in her chest and she looked away for moment, rocking back and forth on her heels. The air crackled with possibility. She just wanted so badly to kiss Emily, but she couldn't seem to bring herself to take that step.

And then, as if reading her mind, Emily took a step towards Paige, drastically shortening the distance between them, and leaned in for a kiss. Paige was so startled and relieved by it that for a second she didn't react. But then she felt Emily's hand on top of hers, and it was all she needed to push back into the kiss. Emily tasted like Cherry Coke, sickly sweet. Paige reached forward, tentatively resting her hands on Emily's waist.

It was so much nicer than that brief, stolen kiss in Emily's car. That had been a terrified, desperate action, but kissing Emily now, in the parking lot so far away from Rosewood, it felt like the start of something wonderful. And when they broke apart a minute later, Emily smiled, resting their her forehead against Paige's. It was such a small, simple action, but Paige felt her heart turn over slowly in her chest.

Oh, yes, she thought. It was definitely the start of something.


End file.
